Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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