youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
