god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
