They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
