Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
