then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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