Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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