I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
