So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
