The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
