I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
