Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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