i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
