i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
