Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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