I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
