I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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