Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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