I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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