She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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