i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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