bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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