I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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