hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
