I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
