Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
