My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
