Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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