You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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