his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
