not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
