There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
