Whod you bang
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
