the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
