So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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