Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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