Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
