3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
