I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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