is your mom at the bar?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
