Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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