So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
