Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
