Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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