I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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