the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
