Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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