alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
