I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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