2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
