If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
