Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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