I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
